How to get a "Girlfriend". (What not to do)

CHAPTER 2

You might also wanna read http://ironiceuphoria.blogspot.in/2016/11/how-to-get-girlfriend-what-not-to-do.html

This chapter is a story about a guy who fell for a girl and got her.
It all starts with that day when he first saw her on a bus stop she was walking with a couple of her friends and totally minding her own business. The moment he saw her, he felt that someone has stepped right on his heart, he felt a little pain going through his chest right down his spine it was weird and beautiful But soon he realized it was his friend who had punched him right there. (I know, bad joke right?). His friend just asked him to check her out to which our guy had the classic "Bhabhi hai teri" response which eventually means he is in love.

A week passed and everyday he used to stare at her in all possible ways which was not making her uncomfortable, like at all. she used to think, Wow! strange guy staring continuously without blinking its like a dream come true. (Certainly not a good one).

The next day when she was passing he said something gross about her and started singing a song about how she should do stuffs he would like and they should go somewhere alone and do stuffs nobody would get to know of. (You'll never figure out the song). Ironically the girl liked the fact that he tried to embarrass himself and was trying to show off his so low self esteem that she agreed to go out with him but eventually it didn't work out and they'd have to break up.

So, one day when our guy was all high and drunk, he was out with his friends who were also drunk and high. Somehow they got to talking about how the girl broke his heart and how sad he was since then, and that he had to drink and do nothing all day but lie around which was almost similar to what he used to do before but now it's different because now he has someone to blame it upon. During all of this discussion someone had the craziest idea, "Why don't you call her and abuse her".
 The most manly thing one could ever think of (of course that's the penis talking) was calling a girl after drinking and getting rid of your frustration.

Now, for all those who find this story stupid or gross or unreal I appreciate you.
Yes, the story of this guy is nothing but stupid & gross & unreal but what's that's real is whether you're a guy or a girl that we all have seen a guy like this and we've all witnessed such incidents and did nothing about it. So, next time you meet someone like this tell them in high pitched and clear words,

LESSON 2:  Don't be that guy. Every single statement in this story is something you shouldn't do if you want to get a girlfriend.

English Vinglish

This post is strictly meant for humor and if you find it offensive in any sense please stop doing such stuff that I get to make fun of you.

BASED ON REAL EVENTS

I know the title here is copied but I haven't seen the film and this post would be nothing like it.
We live in a country of 22 official languages English being one of them. I know it and I'm self aware of the fact that I am no master of the language neither I'm going to mock those who aren't that good with it. But, somehow from various incidents that I've witnessed, I have got this idea that we aren't just communicating in English we are defecating in it too.

So, all I'm gonna do is point out some stuffs we say to sound 'cool' on a daily basis and make fun of those who do it.

We people do a no. of experiments and a lot of various stuffs to sound KEWL, however, I do not understand that what's so kewl about WrItiNg LiKe ThIs As If YoUr CaPsLoCk Is MaStUrBaTiNg.
May be there's a lot I do not understand but I do understand that the primary task of a language is to communicate and how I understand but you speak in words jumble my feel like me head struck in someone's large fucking ass.

Social media is a hub of people trying to pretend what they are not and failing it pretty bad at it. I feel sad for people who are struggling so hard that one day they wake up and had to post something like:

Also you get to witness a series of epic fails where all people like me would do is sit back stare at it and smile.

Enclosing I'd like to say I don't even know why I posted this. These are some weird stuff from my head I observe and pass away.

People reading this, I have a serious request to make,

Next time when you see someone showing off their not so cool swag and you find it pretty sick and crappy, please DUNN do anything

Sit back, stare and smile.

Weird post signing off.

Stay tuned

How to get a "Girlfriend". (What not to do)

CHAPTER 1

Just a couple days back I came across this article which explained a dozen different  ways to get me a 'girlfriend'. And well, I read a couple of them and realized we're all being fooled by such people. So, here I am with a real time and practical approach on "How to get a Girlfriend".

Consider there's this single, desperate & horny guy who wants to get a girlfriend so bad that he googled this How to get a girlfriend and first line as a reply google gave was, "Ask her to be your girlfriend."

So, we people are quite followers of google you know we just follow it blindly. Google was like listen there's more to it but he's like "tune bola na bas, kaam ho jayga".

So the next day our guy went straight on to her and asked her to be his girlfriend as if he was asking for Syska LED. ( And i quote... 'Ask for syska'). 

And I'd be not writing this if the dating culture I've seen was this simple.

Let me give you the real picture now.

our single horny guy who has got a crush on a girl ,wait.. that doesn't sound right!.. Yeah, here it is;

Our single horny guy who has got a crush on the profile picture of a girl tends to commence a "GF-BF" relationship with the actual girl guess what did he does first, he went to a group of his other single and horny guy friends and brags about how good the profile picture is.

OK, if you think that doesn't make any sense, listen to this.

Then all these other single guys form an alliance with a sole mission to get their brother like friend the love of his life, the profile picture. Now, every master plan to get a girlfriend I've known, starts from facebook followed by instagram and if this chain successfully ended at whatsapp guys could hear " I'm gonna get laid" bells. 

And then one day our guy gathers the courage to send her a message on the contact number he acquired from official database and the moment she replies the "bhabhi" word starts to catch up and all sorts of arrangements are made, plans are commenced starting from her birthday to new year and valentines day.

For all those people out there who're wondering what happened, the profile picture of the girl said, "WHO'S THIS?"

So, this bring us to the conclusion;

LESSON 1: If you've done anything stated above I have just one strong recommendation for you. DON'T.
And for all those who were smart enough we've a lot in the closet for you.

Stay tuned

How to write Placement Status

So, campus recruitment drives, feels like big billion days of college. Discount on attendance and that damn competition for getting a job. Well, eventually some get it some don't. A person placed in a company with a hundred others like him from his own college and to be precise a 74999 more overall, when gets an average job feels happy and he should be because out of  1.5 million people like him graduating every year these 75K are the ones who at least are "placed". I think you people are now getting where I'm heading towards. An average graduate gets an average job and updates his status on a social networking, and its a good thing to do but its not what he did its the way he did, it was more like joey speaking french. So, here I am providing you all with the most exclusive tutorial of all time. Totally one of its kind

 How to write Placement Status

#PLACED #NameOFTheCompany
A useless quote on hard work or patience or being optimistic or I don't know just mix all these words and make a line by yourself. 
//Here's a fact now, out of every 100 who saw  your post, 80 pressed that like button, 30 were those who actually read it after the above two hashtags, out of those 30, 20 were placed with you and were searching their name in it so, this quote its something that no one will give a damn about. and I'm telling you if you would have read it a week ago you would have been like "WTF! Who does that!".//

Now, You start thanking people for their support. And of course you have to start with your parents for either supporting you or believing in you or trusting or giving you money and never asking where the fuck you've been spending it or you know just mix all these words and make a line by yourself. 
// There's quite a possibility that you're parents are not on the following social networking site and there's very very slight possibility that you haven't even told them yet. I mean results were announced, you got placed one thing led to another, you might have forgotten, no big deal. But, you got to thank them first because the day they'll create an account on this social hub and the day they'll actually see your post, the first person you thanked were them. Damn! they're lucky.//


After parents you can either thank your faculties or your friends, depending upon who taught you for hours, worked really really hard for you, answered your fucking stupid doubts. And lets just say you have faculties who do that so thank them but of course you won't know more then a couple of names, don't panic. You had seniors, remember!. So copy paste names from over there and mention each name with a tidy #.
//Well you could have thanked them in person but this would have a greater impact. They might not have realize how thankful you are when you actually say that right in front of their faces, your eyes looking straight into their eyes, your smile staring in their face. NO! this is not a polite way. You should tag them with a #Name and write good about them this will certainly make them feel very special that you took some time to actually type initial 4 letters of their name. Damn! you're good.//

Now comes the next category- Friends. I know you want to mention each of your friend and I know that too, whatever the fish I write here you'll do it. So, do it. Mention each every friend's name with our favorite # and forget why we actually it was used but does that really matter. You're placed.
// So in this race of mentioning more friends and getting placed the first thing is, you don't tag people and thank them for their support who haven't accomplished the latter. You remember those 20 people who didn't liked your post that was because they fucking blocked you. I mean there was this guy who didn't got placed and got tagged in a dozen of posts whose first line starts with #placed. Now, this guy spent an entire day attending phone calls of people congratulating him and he was telling all of them that he wasn't placed and at the end of the day was like, I am gonna fuck some serious asses today. But on some level he deserved it, because he was one of those who used to send these candy crush requests that Son of a bitch had a day.

 Now you need to end this shit you can thank some random friend of yours for his motivation because he/she randomly called you once on a random day turned out you had interview that day and that random conversation you had in your mind somewhere you feel like your entire interview was based on that 2 min of filthy crap.
After this use a #GodlyCatchyPhrase to thank god for making it come true because deep deep down your heart you always knew, with the load full of crap collected in your head since last three years only almighty can get you placed.